Disclaimer: This article is insensitive, offensive, vulgar, and politically charged. If you are the RSS-type and get all pissy at this article; you are welcome to destroy random public property.
What follows here is a dream sequence in which Narendra Modi, L.K. Advani, Mayawati and Varun Gandhi are sitting across a conference table, in the anticipation of a serious discussion. Some weird talks unfold…
Mayawati: No! No! You listen to me! I am the Dalit ki Beti! I am the Prime-ministerial candidate! Blah! Blah! Blah… Dalit ki Beti… Chomp! Chomp! Chomp… Prime Minister… Blabber! Blabber… Dalit! Dalit! (Ad infinitum)
Advani: Sheesh! There she goes again!
Modi: Huh? Is there anybody else in the room? Sorry, my ego is too inflated to notice anyone else in the room…
Varun: (feeling ignored) Hey! Listen to me! I have something to say too…
Advani: Shut up, fatso!
Modi: Yeah, shut up you roly-poly mutton factory!
Advani: Ha! Ha!
Modi: He! He!
Maya: Dalit! Dalit… Munch! Munch… Prime Minister! I am beti… Snigger! Snagger…Dalit! (Ad infinitum)
(Modi and Advani continue talking over Maya yelling)
Modi: Arey Adu, listen! Elections are coming up and I think I’ll play the development card this time.
Advani: Arey na, na, Modu! I think you should stick to the Hindutva campaign.
Advani: Of course baba! What is there to think? Give a few communally sensitive speeches, proclaim yourself the ultimate protector of Hindus, start a riot or two, burn down a bus or three, and you’re all set to win! And anyways, riots generate more publicity than any stupid promises for development. And you know, people are starting to get a hint of the fact that Gujarat was an already developing state when you came in charge; so, more power to Hindutva!
Modi: Hmm, you have a point there.
Varun: (Feeling more ignored) Hey! No! I want to be the Hindu leader from BJP! Pretty please?
Advani: Will you shut up fat-ass?
Modi: Yeah, nobody cares about what you think, you chunky-whunky chocolate monkey!
Advani: He! He! That rhymed!
Modi: Yeah, I’m in definite form today.
Maya: Hey! Ho! What are you talking about! I am Prime minister! Somebody tell me I am prime minister! I am the beti!
(Advani and Modi continue)
Modi: So Addu, what is your strategy for the elections?
Advani: Strategy? What strategy? I have no strategy. I just bitch my way to the elections!
Modi: Care to elaborate?
Advani: Arey bhaiya, listen. I bitch about Sonia Gandhi and her foreign origin. I bitch about Manmohan Singh and how Sonia controls him, and I bitch about the UPA government in general. Basically, I bitch about everything under the sun.
Modi: And what about your pseudo-secular statements now and then?
Advani: Oh, that hypocritical bullshit? That is not a strategy! I often feel lonely and miss media attention, so I sometimes turn pro-Hindu and sometimes go pro-secular! But you see, my primary political tool is bitching.
Maya: Hey! You bitcher! I am prime minister!
Advani: (getting angry at Maya) Grrr! I’m going to shut her up for good someday!
Modi: (supporting Mayawati) Oh no you don’t!
Advani: You’re standing up for Mayawati now? For her?
Modi: You don’t get it do you? I’ll explain. You see, Mayawati and I are the same people – different bodies but same consciousness. We don’t grumble about other leaders and nonsense issues; we derive all our political mileage through the sheer absurdity of our eccentric personalities. We don’t talk about people! People talk about us!
Advani: Hmm, all this political talk makes me angry!
Modi: Hey! Me too!
Mayawati: Hey! I’m always angry!
Advani: Let’s go hurt Manmohan!
Modi, Maywati and Advani in concert: Yay! Let’s deliver some major hurt!
Varun: (feeling super-ignored now) Uh, I’m hungry!
Modi: Listen you over-stuffed storehouse of adipose tissue, If you say another word now…
Varun: Uh… uh… Hey! It’s not my fault! The CD was doctored! Uh… help… uh, Aunty! Save me!
(End of dream sequence. Manmohan Singh wakes up with sweat breaking all over him. He picks up the phone and dials Sonia’s number)
Manmohan: Madamji! Madamji! I had a very strange dream today…
Sonia: Hush, Manmohanji! You’re exerting yourself too much in election campaigning these days; you need to get a leash on it!
Manmohan: Oh good madamji! Should I get a collar for your leash then?
Sonia: Arey! Not so loudly baba! Jounalists are everywhere now-a-days.
(Suddenly Varun joins the conference call)
Varun: Auntyji! Why does not anyone take me seriously?
Sonia: Because you are fat beta, and you don’t talk sense.
Manmohan: That is funny. Can I laugh madamji?
Sonia: of course, of course.
Pre-emptive apology:
Dear readers,
This article is a work of fiction and is meant for your reading pleasure only. It is not the intention of the writer to spread prejudices against any class or category of people. This article is to be read and remembered in good humor. If anyone finds offence in the above text, a heartfelt apology is extended. Also, the writer himself is fat. And yeah, fuck you.
Shakermaker! by Aniket Sengar is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.5 India License.
10 comments:
the article is funny...
but hey, you're not fat at all
"you are welcome to destroy random public property", "can I laugh"... LEGENDARY!! Absolute genius!
Nah, I am fat. My super-cool dressing sense camouflages all that gross flab. [:)]
Thanks man.
that was pretty fucking hilarious man
Next time I need a refresher on the latest political know-how, I'll skip the media b.s. and just read this again
Also, did anyone else notice how each 'celebrity' was flaunting an 'up yours' after voting ? Subtle hint perhaps
Yeah, HT carried a full article on celebrities flipping the bird. Pretty weird man.
And thanks for liking the post.
Aniket, dude you're not an ordinary person. This writing and presentation style reminded me of 'MAD' that I used to read a few years ago. Its been a long time since I enjoyed reading something so much! LOL! I feel you can write great scripts for cartoons like Simpsons.
Whew! That is some appreciation. Thanks man. Keep doing that, and I'm getting a bloated head for sure. We totally need more readers like you here. Thank you again, and keep reading! Please!
hey that was simply hilarious...absolutely good work!!
Hey, thanks Jubi. Comment once in a while.
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